PHILADELPHIA 06 FESTIVAL REPORTS

Erin "e.t." Turner

Anything with ** on either end are all 3rd party accounts of events, meaning, I was wasted and this is what I was told happened.

TUESDAY: So begins the adventure that is known as, The Backseat Film Fest. I was exited! For I knew, from attending Backseat events in the past, that this would be one crazy ass week of drinking coupled with the insanity that ensues when we ALL get together and ALL drink A TON. I headed over the the theater with a few friends in tow: Josh, Neal and we all now know Jen. We arrived to a slew of random people, both familiar and not, smoking and carrying on outside. Gave a couple hugs, said some hellos and continued on inside. An unexpected last addition to the crew, I was welcomed with many excited hugs and "long time no sees" and "glad you made it out" by fellow Backseaters I had not seen in some time. So I said more hellos and continued inside with beer and shot in hand, and a flask with my friend Jim's juices in my pocket.

We took a seat and got very excited for THE RE-PENETRATOR, the feature of Tuesday's events. The night began with the opening ceremonies. Joanna Angel and Kylee Cross were there as the "Virgins" helping Doug (dressed in a devilish costume) begin the destruction of the Rejected Submissions. I recall how Kylee was wielding the axe-end with the fervor of a psychopathic killer, and in contrast, how tiny Joanna could barely break a DVD. All in all it was quite fabulous, and from what I recall, no one lost an eye, sadly. This would all be my friend's and I's first time seeing the Re-Penetrator. Coupled with it being opening night, there was a definite feeling of anticipation and excitment in the air. The movie began, and it let me tell you man, it did not disappoint. It has been proven that I am one of the loudest and most obnoxious people when it comes to truly enjoying a film and laughing out loud. I do it out of pure joy and happiness, but some people find it annoying. That being said, this night was no exception, for I was happy and drunk and getting drunker, and the enjoyment and laughter could not be caged. The Re-Penetrator was AMAZING. Blood, vomit, sex, and even the GK all made their way happily into this film, and into my heart. Following the Re-Pen. were a few shorts, I think, a preview or two, something. By this time the flask was empty, beers and shots consumed, and I was on my way out for a smoke. Much the rest of the night I went back and forth from outside to the table of booze to outside to the table, etc. And at some point during all of this back and forth action, I made out with a stranger. Yup. I like making out.
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**XXXorcist was playing at this point** I missed out, but figured I saw it in real life, so it's ok. So the night came to an end at some point. My friends found me outside and said we had to leave. I swear we had more movies to watch and ran back inside. But no, movies over. Gave some hugs and stuff, grabbed my shit, and left. Ministry of Information After Party. So we headed to the Ministry. I lost my glove. I was sad. I tried to go back for it, but my friends grabbed me and said, "No e.t. the Ministry's THIS way". GLOVE LOST.

We get to the Ministry. Someone, I think Nick, bought beers for me and Yuko! My new love! I just met her at some point at the fest, (along with Mike, Gizzo, Hillary, and David Popolow). We were in love. I introduced Yuko to all my friends and babbled on to her about who knows what, and if she knows what I said, who knows. **Introduced Yuko again.** **Introduced Yuko again** **And so on and so on.** At some point my friends left. I dunno, they had JOBS or something. **I ran outside looking for Neal because "that girl Jaimee is looking for you".** Ran back inside. Stuff happened. Ended up in a booth. Coach was passed out on my lap in some booth at a table by the door. He fell off my lap and onto the floor. Went for another beer. Came back, Coach was still on the floor. Scooped him up layed him back in the seat. Wandered off again. Eventually wandered home. Done and Done. Night one, over. (Let it be noted that I woke up very late my shitty job the next morning..was written up...quit my shitty job...celebrated doing so on Wed. night at the Fest and then later with friends...woke up late again...was told "you don't have to worry about coming into work anymore"...basically, the BFF is partially responsible for my current unemployment, in a round about sense. And also that the next day I realized my sweatshirt was not here, nor there, it was LOST. That's 2 things....)

WEDNESDAY: My part of today began upon arriving home, in search of Coach's missing glasses. Which he had lost, and, because he needs glasses to see, could not easily find them at my house anywhere. I arrived home from work, did a search to no avail. Were the glasses lost? Possibly at the Ministry...I'm off. Made a stop off at the Ministry. SUCCESS! I walked into the Ministry, the nice lady at the bar asks me what I'm having. I inquire about the missing glasses, she points under the table, "Are those them? I saw something shiny when I was sweaping". At this point I contemplate why she didn't get curious and pick the "shiny" object up. I shrug and crawl under the table. Upon crawling under the table, I realize WHY she didn't go after them. This floor is disgusting. I stop myself from imaging all that could be used to make this floor so sticky, triumphantly pick up the glasses, deem myself a hero and head home. Later I stop by the theater, drop them off with Andy Straub. Off to taco night, I missed the first flick.

LATER... Showed up tonight, for STOMP! SHOUT! SCREAM!, with Corina and Jen in tow. After drinking at Jen's and then coming to the movie to begin the drinking again I was ready to rock. "What Corina, you don't WANT your BEER? Let ME help you with that!" Once again, it was a night to be remembered, through 3rd account stories, it was all a blur. In the lobby was the maker of the film, The Janitor. He kept hitting on Jen, who nicely dimissed him. I kept laughing at him, since I am rude and laugh at boys and their hopeless attempts at hitting on my friends. I also hit up the concession stand, where I was more than happy to discover that Coach's mom had come by, with home made oatmeal-raisin cookies. YUM! What a great cookie. I grabbed a bag, ate a cookie and stuffed the left overs in my jacket for later. So the movie was silly. I was in and out all night for this one too. I can't resist the booze and company that is to be found at the table and outside every night. I do recall the song about Syphilis, and how I thought that girl was lame and she should give it up already. How Sass Parilla never sang (sadly). And I am sure there was some more in there, I dunno. Was there? I do recall at one point, while downing shots with Mike in the lobby, Coach passed out and landed on the sound board and turned the lights on and the sound off, or something to that effect. That was pretty funny. Once again I spent most of the night between the movie, the lobby and the outside. Mainly the lobby and the outside. I recall Nick introducing me as, "e.t. the girl everyone wants to marry" and quickly being proposed to by countless guys in the lobby, one of which was the manager (?) or something at the Fire, home to tonight's after party. I was also given the task of transporting Coach from the theater to the Fire. I recall him saying "Fuck everybody! Fuck everybody, but YOU e.t. Fuck them!" as I lead him to the Fire. He almost puked, held it back, and ran inside. I ran back to the theater where my friends were waiting to go, and left for the night. No after party for me, I had a birthday party to go to. Which, thanks to the Film Fest, I have hardly any recollection of.

THURSDAY: I woke up this morning, well, afternoon, and began routing through my effects, to see what I could find that could bring back some kind of memory of what had happened the night before. I'm a big fan of sticking random things in my pockets in a drunken attempt to spark memories of things the next day. Well this morning contained nothing out of the usual. Except, for the left over cookies tucked nicely in a zip-lock baggie in my pocket. I quickly consumed them, making a mental note to thank Coach's mom for her fabulous cookie making abilities...

The opening film for tonight, Pot Zombies. Now I'm not a pot head, but THIS GIRL, she LOVES ZOMBIES. So I figured. Yup. This is going to be good. After the typical act of consuming many shots with a beer, I headed in and found a seat next to my dear friend, Nick Danger. The movie began. Now this movie was silly in many ways. Notably, the lack of a REAL plot made me laugh the whole time. Each scene was like this: people smoke pot, people turn green and vomit, people become zombies, zombie eats people. Each scene was a different scenario in which the main character for that portion did that. But it was still fabulous. I think in part because I was sitting with Nick, who between him and I had many a humorous remark to make about the film itself. Some that I recall:
"Everyone dies by getting shot in the tube."
"American's hearts are in their stomach."
"It's amazing, zombies can eat your guts, without actually tearing your flesh."
"Brains are really just General Tso's chicken."
"Main lesson, don't smoke pot in Texas!"
And my personal favorite: "How many pot heads does it take to write a cheesy movie? 4. Yup. It took 4 people to write the movie."

Needless to say the film ended, rather randomly, with some naked dude slowly walking toward the camera, up a hill. Don't really know the significance of the naked guy. I mean, he wasn't even a HOT naked guy, or very endowed for that matter. So really? Why the naked guy? I guess cause he was willing to get naked on camera, so why not? After the movie ended it was off to the lobby for, of course, more drinks. Upon walking through the curtains I discovered the arrival of a fabulous chick that I got to know through the fest, Sam. I recall spending the remaining hours of the fest this night sitting in Sam's Jeep (which coincidentally is the EXACT same as my fathers and I recall drunkenly accusing her of stealing it many times as the night progressed). We rocked her iPod, which was full of great tracks. Singing Goldfinger at the top of your lungs while sitting in a warm Jeep on a cold night with a beer in one hand, a smoke in the other and Sam's company, what an awesome way to spend the night. Any way, throughout this time many a person came and went as we sat in the car. All of which sat in the passenger seat with me on their lap. Another perk of being a small lady is that people seem to like to have you sit on their lap any chance they get. At some point, while seated in the car I leapt out of the car to go say something to someone or throw something away or something. It was also at this same time that a gang of teenaged boys happened to be approaching the theater. I hardly noticed and ran back into the car. But apparently they approached one Andy Straub and inquired just what it would cost for some good times with the cute lady. All I know for sure is that minutes later, Andy Straub tells me through a crack in the car window, that the boys offered a mere 50 bucks for me. What exactly Andy told them I would DO for fifty dollars I don't recall, either way, let me just say, I am worth WAY more than a mere $50.00. Eventually the films ended, without me catching more than a minute here or there while passing by for the bathroom or another grilled cheese. On this night, I think, was the night I was given the task of convincing Coach to leave the booth, get in a car, and go. That sleeping in the theater was not a good idea. That we should all leave together. Eventually this worked. It was time once again, for the after party!

Tonight's locale: Johnny Brenda's. Things I recall from the after party. Well there was arm wrestling, I lost quickly and effortlessly both times I played. I blame the booze for weakening the power of my guns. I tried to use the camera. "You're looking into the LENS e.t. That's why you can't see anything. Give that to me"-Doug. I yelled at Andy Straub for a while about not fighting with some lame-ass or something (the first of many times I was told I was yelling at Andy Straub not to fight some jerk). I drank many a beer from what seemed to be a never ending glass. And I'm sure there was more...

FRIDAY: Hmm. So began the first night of the Fest's weekend lineup. And honestly, I don't think I saw either one of the movies that were playing at this time. I think I was in the lobby the whole time drinking and working the table. Or out smoking. Or hitting the concession stand for more grilled cheese. Or chatting it up in the booth. Really, I have NO idea. Looking at the schedule Harry Knuckles played, as well as Die! You Zombie Bastards, a film I was really excited to see. And yet, I missed them all. And everything that happened this night, at least at the theater, is a blur. I DO recall a fabulous visit from Evan this night, since he gave me a ride to the after party and I think the was the night that Nick put the "Rape Me" sign on the back of Doug's jacket. I think this is the night the DVD player stopped working and I donated mine to the cause. The rest? Maybe someone can fill me in later...

**The movie was too long. People were bored and wanted to go drink so the movie was turned off or something. This is what I heard about Die! You Zombie Bastards!**

The M Room. (Favorite after party. Even though I obviously don't recall much...) This I DO remember. Dancing with Andy and Yuko and Hillary to the bands. Drinking fabulously large PBR's. Talking with Erica. Sammy was there this night too! I recall running around outside with Yuko and Gena trying to hail her a cab to get her home, and some how actually finding one rather quickly. Nick taking Yuko and I to a gas station for what was the BEST Hot Pocket I have had ever. Jamiee passing me countless pieces of pita with humus, which makes for an odd drunken snack. And just the same old same old carrying on that made up the Backseat after parties. Eventually getting taken home by David Popolow. SATURDAY: (Favorite night at the Festival) I showed up today just in time for some shorts, followed by the first feature, Livlihood. Yet another zombie flick, which of course brought me great joy. This time the zombies were returning from their graves, in an attempt to get back to their normal lives. It was pretty well done, complete with zombie commercials and soap operas. A nice way to start the day. Next was the first shorts program. Now I think, looking back, that the shorts were my favorite parts of the festival. In part because they were very very entertaining, and because sometimes I have the attention span of a child. Sitting for 10 minutes and getting just as much out of the short as I would a feature length film works really well for me.

Here are some of my personal favorites in no particular order:
Fuck Pillows (cutest pillows with a pussy I have EVER seen!)
Baby Pepper (just a great idea in general)
Bzzzzzz (those kids got theirs)
Kevin Maher Actor (just plain great, all his were, but this was my fave)
Silly Con 2 (peanut butter and jelly, brilliant!)
Robots are Blue (though they were more Cyborgs than robots, still adorable and I still look at my cats and imagine them saying "I love you robot" with every meow.)
Weinercrock vs Crockinator (I hate hot dogs, and yet I ate one anyway)

The day itself was pretty mellow, up until just before 9pm when my darling Jen made her appearance. It was all down here from there as the shots and beer and excitement all kicked in at once. We drank and drank and prepared for, Pleasures of the Damned (Favorite movie at the fest). PERFECT selection for Saturday night. The film was HILARIOUS. I kept the night going by keeping the audience on track with the drinking games, a self assigned duty that I undertook during all the viewings I sat through. I also did not fail to laugh very loud and very hard at all that was the awesomeness of Pleasures. Throughout the film I recall many a time when Mark's girlfriend and I would catch each other laughing at something random, look over at each other, and thus laugh even more as a result of us being the only ones really appreciating just what was going on. By the end of the film I had laughed my ass off, been given many a glaring glance by the guy in front of me, who apparently didn't appreciate my reaction to the film. Fuck you man! And as the lights came on the the t-shirts were being given away one was promptly handed to me as a result of my pleasure in watching the film. I quickly changed my shirt, which luckily I was wearing a tank-top under my sweater, not like it would have mattered to me at this point I was gone. Soon the night was done. According to photo evidence, I was doing an awful lot of kissing this night, before even leaving the theater. Well, that's what you get.

Wiskey Dix So it was once again time for another after party. This time in conjunction with the Taste of Chaos tour, it promised to be an interesting event. Upon arrival we quickly found some drinks and prepared for, The Legendary Wid. Yeah, he was pretty fantastic. Buckets and buckets of props, most of which were never used, were scattered across the stage. I can't recall any joke in particular. But I recall immense laughter, which is good enough to meet my approval. This was followed by the band Shiragirl. They were fun and there was dancing for me and Jen and Doug. This was around the time that I was told to take care of Doug. Me. Take care of Doug. He was all over the place, very drunk and crazy, and little e.t. is the one put in charge of the beast. Thus the "Sakpack" was born. We fell into a photobooth at some point. Dollars were quickly inserted into the machine and a great set of photobooth pics resulted. We had parts of 6 people's faces in there by the end! So then after the band some dude was swallowing swords and breathing fire and stuff. I was running around after Doug at this point. Kind of all over the place. Lots of picture taking by Jen shows a lot of people kissing, being drunk, and drinking. At some point there was music and dancing for e.t., Jen and Hillary. Eventually it got late, I was the ass that woke Hillary up and told her we must leave (her words, not mine). And so we did, somehow in someone's car, and went back to the office for an after after party. Nick was there when we arrived with some whiskey which I saw myself drinking in pictures. Also a rastafarian hat/wig combo was on my head in many of the pics as well. Andy and Jen were off making out. I think Jen's friend was annoyed and a bit freaked out by the whole situation. I was off drunk. I dunno. Eventually they left and it was off to bed. The end of another fun night.

SUNDAY After walking the "walk of shame" home and passing out on my couch for a while, I rolled into the theater sometime in the evening. Missing the first film and most of the shorts. It had been a rough couple of days. This day was the final day, and you could tell that we were all feeling the wrath of the Festival. Just looking at the table of booze when I walked in made my stomach turn. I took care of that by getting back in the saddle and quickly consuming many beers and shots. I don't recall most of the shorts, I was too busy getting drunk and putting Doug to bed. Since he was in desperate need of staying away from the rum and being quiet. There was a lot of animation I think. Some stuff by Popolow, Prim, and Hillary from what I recall were played this day. There was the AMAZING "Puphedz: The Tattle-tale Heart". I was very blown away by the quality of this film and its overall imagery. Seriously, it was amazing. I recall that the shorts ran a little late and was frustrated at the people coming in and making a racket during the end of this film. Which is funny for me, one of the loudest most obnoxious people in the audience on most nights, to be annoyed by people being obnoxious. But fuck that. Assholes wouldn't stop talking! Next came the feature, "De-railroaded" A great movie for the last night. I hung at the concession stand, drinking what at this point, was officially the LAST beer at the Fest. Yup. I'm the asshole who took the last beer from the cooler and drank it happily knowing it was indeed the last beer. It was delicious. Eventually the film ended and we all contemplated skipping the after party and just going to bed. But alas, after party time it was and so it was off to the Tritone,

Tritone The whole night for the most part was much more laid back than the others. Maybe cause it was a Sunday, maybe cause it was all coming to an end, or it could have been the previous 5 nights of heavy drinking finally catching up to us. Hmm. DJ Steve was spinning some great tunes. The whole place was pretty empty and quite. Um. There was drinking and dancing with Hillary. Doug, who had been passed out in Coach's car up to this point, entered upon the scene. I think we slow danced at the end of the night. Eventually we left, with Doug once again playing the part of Sakpack as I drug him down the street to Coach's truck. We piled in, literally piles of people, three in the back and four in the front. Off to the office. For one last after after party. We got back, found the rum and hit up the most amazing invention of our time, Karaoke On-Demand. AMAZING. I recall Andy singing "Danny Boy", Coach sang something or other, Doug sang "Just a Gigolo" and I think there was more. My mental comprehension of anything that followed was lost after singing parts of Gigolo. I think I took Doug to bed. **I launched myself off of one of the couches, for some purpose I assume, other than to knock the salt over and covering the green couch with it. Andy Straub was pouring salt and pepper in my hair.

** At some point I went to bed.... Thus ends my tale of the Backseat Film Festival. The days that followed were filled with catching up on sleep and of course, drinking.