PHILADELPHIA 06 FESTIVAL REPORTS
Erin "e.t." Turner
with ** on either end are all 3rd party accounts of events,
meaning, I was wasted and this is what I was told happened.
TUESDAY: So begins the adventure that is known as, The Backseat
Film Fest. I was exited! For I knew, from attending Backseat
events in the past, that this would be one crazy ass week of
drinking coupled with the insanity that ensues when we ALL get
together and ALL drink A TON. I headed over the the theater
with a few friends in tow: Josh, Neal and we all now know Jen.
We arrived to a slew of random people, both familiar and not,
smoking and carrying on outside. Gave a couple hugs, said some
hellos and continued on inside. An unexpected last addition
to the crew, I was welcomed with many excited hugs and "long
time no sees" and "glad you made it out" by fellow
Backseaters I had not seen in some time. So I said more hellos
and continued inside with beer and shot in hand, and a flask
with my friend Jim's juices in my pocket.
We took a seat and got very excited for THE RE-PENETRATOR, the
feature of Tuesday's events. The night began with the opening
ceremonies. Joanna Angel and Kylee Cross were there as the "Virgins"
helping Doug (dressed in a devilish costume) begin the destruction
of the Rejected Submissions. I recall how Kylee was wielding
the axe-end with the fervor of a psychopathic killer, and in
contrast, how tiny Joanna could barely break a DVD. All in all
it was quite fabulous, and from what I recall, no one lost an
eye, sadly. This would all be my friend's and I's first time
seeing the Re-Penetrator. Coupled with it being opening night,
there was a definite feeling of anticipation and excitment in
the air. The movie began, and it let me tell you man, it did
not disappoint. It has been proven that I am one of the loudest
and most obnoxious people when it comes to truly enjoying a
film and laughing out loud. I do it out of pure joy and happiness,
but some people find it annoying. That being said, this night
was no exception, for I was happy and drunk and getting drunker,
and the enjoyment and laughter could not be caged. The Re-Penetrator
was AMAZING. Blood, vomit, sex, and even the GK all made their
way happily into this film, and into my heart. Following the
Re-Pen. were a few shorts, I think, a preview or two, something.
By this time the flask was empty, beers and shots consumed,
and I was on my way out for a smoke. Much the rest of the night
I went back and forth from outside to the table of booze to
outside to the table, etc. And at some point during all of this
back and forth action, I made out with a stranger. Yup. I like
**XXXorcist was playing at this point** I missed out, but figured
I saw it in real life, so it's ok. So the night came to an end
at some point. My friends found me outside and said we had to
leave. I swear we had more movies to watch and ran back inside.
But no, movies over. Gave some hugs and stuff, grabbed my shit,
and left. Ministry of Information After Party. So we headed
to the Ministry. I lost my glove. I was sad. I tried to go back
for it, but my friends grabbed me and said, "No e.t. the
Ministry's THIS way". GLOVE LOST.
We get to the Ministry. Someone, I think Nick, bought beers
for me and Yuko! My new love! I just met her at some point at
the fest, (along with Mike, Gizzo, Hillary, and David Popolow).
We were in love. I introduced Yuko to all my friends and babbled
on to her about who knows what, and if she knows what I said,
who knows. **Introduced Yuko again.** **Introduced Yuko again**
**And so on and so on.** At some point my friends left. I dunno,
they had JOBS or something. **I ran outside looking for Neal
because "that girl Jaimee is looking for you".** Ran
back inside. Stuff happened. Ended up in a booth. Coach was
passed out on my lap in some booth at a table by the door. He
fell off my lap and onto the floor. Went for another beer. Came
back, Coach was still on the floor. Scooped him up layed him
back in the seat. Wandered off again. Eventually wandered home.
Done and Done. Night one, over. (Let it be noted that I woke
up very late my shitty job the next morning..was written up...quit
my shitty job...celebrated doing so on Wed. night at the Fest
and then later with friends...woke up late again...was told
"you don't have to worry about coming into work anymore"...basically,
the BFF is partially responsible for my current unemployment,
in a round about sense. And also that the next day I realized
my sweatshirt was not here, nor there, it was LOST. That's 2
WEDNESDAY: My part of today began upon arriving home, in search
of Coach's missing glasses. Which he had lost, and, because
he needs glasses to see, could not easily find them at my house
anywhere. I arrived home from work, did a search to no avail.
Were the glasses lost? Possibly at the Ministry...I'm off. Made
a stop off at the Ministry. SUCCESS! I walked into the Ministry,
the nice lady at the bar asks me what I'm having. I inquire
about the missing glasses, she points under the table, "Are
those them? I saw something shiny when I was sweaping".
At this point I contemplate why she didn't get curious and pick
the "shiny" object up. I shrug and crawl under the
table. Upon crawling under the table, I realize WHY she didn't
go after them. This floor is disgusting. I stop myself from
imaging all that could be used to make this floor so sticky,
triumphantly pick up the glasses, deem myself a hero and head
home. Later I stop by the theater, drop them off with Andy Straub.
Off to taco night, I missed the first flick.
LATER... Showed up tonight, for STOMP! SHOUT! SCREAM!, with
Corina and Jen in tow. After drinking at Jen's and then coming
to the movie to begin the drinking again I was ready to rock.
"What Corina, you don't WANT your BEER? Let ME help you
with that!" Once again, it was a night to be remembered,
through 3rd account stories, it was all a blur. In the lobby
was the maker of the film, The Janitor. He kept hitting on Jen,
who nicely dimissed him. I kept laughing at him, since I am
rude and laugh at boys and their hopeless attempts at hitting
on my friends. I also hit up the concession stand, where I was
more than happy to discover that Coach's mom had come by, with
home made oatmeal-raisin cookies. YUM! What a great cookie.
I grabbed a bag, ate a cookie and stuffed the left overs in
my jacket for later. So the movie was silly. I was in and out
all night for this one too. I can't resist the booze and company
that is to be found at the table and outside every night. I
do recall the song about Syphilis, and how I thought that girl
was lame and she should give it up already. How Sass Parilla
never sang (sadly). And I am sure there was some more in there,
I dunno. Was there? I do recall at one point, while downing
shots with Mike in the lobby, Coach passed out and landed on
the sound board and turned the lights on and the sound off,
or something to that effect. That was pretty funny. Once again
I spent most of the night between the movie, the lobby and the
outside. Mainly the lobby and the outside. I recall Nick introducing
me as, "e.t. the girl everyone wants to marry" and
quickly being proposed to by countless guys in the lobby, one
of which was the manager (?) or something at the Fire, home
to tonight's after party. I was also given the task of transporting
Coach from the theater to the Fire. I recall him saying "Fuck
everybody! Fuck everybody, but YOU e.t. Fuck them!" as
I lead him to the Fire. He almost puked, held it back, and ran
inside. I ran back to the theater where my friends were waiting
to go, and left for the night. No after party for me, I had
a birthday party to go to. Which, thanks to the Film Fest, I
have hardly any recollection of.
THURSDAY: I woke up this morning, well, afternoon, and began
routing through my effects, to see what I could find that could
bring back some kind of memory of what had happened the night
before. I'm a big fan of sticking random things in my pockets
in a drunken attempt to spark memories of things the next day.
Well this morning contained nothing out of the usual. Except,
for the left over cookies tucked nicely in a zip-lock baggie
in my pocket. I quickly consumed them, making a mental note
to thank Coach's mom for her fabulous cookie making abilities...
opening film for tonight, Pot Zombies. Now I'm not a pot head,
but THIS GIRL, she LOVES ZOMBIES. So I figured. Yup. This is
going to be good. After the typical act of consuming many shots
with a beer, I headed in and found a seat next to my dear friend,
Nick Danger. The movie began. Now this movie was silly in many
ways. Notably, the lack of a REAL plot made me laugh the whole
time. Each scene was like this: people smoke pot, people turn
green and vomit, people become zombies, zombie eats people.
Each scene was a different scenario in which the main character
for that portion did that. But it was still fabulous. I think
in part because I was sitting with Nick, who between him and
I had many a humorous remark to make about the film itself.
Some that I recall:
"Everyone dies by getting shot in the tube."
"American's hearts are in their stomach."
"It's amazing, zombies can eat your guts, without actually
tearing your flesh."
"Brains are really just General Tso's chicken."
"Main lesson, don't smoke pot in Texas!"
And my personal favorite: "How many pot heads does it take
to write a cheesy movie? 4. Yup. It took 4 people to write the
Needless to say the film ended, rather randomly, with some naked
dude slowly walking toward the camera, up a hill. Don't really
know the significance of the naked guy. I mean, he wasn't even
a HOT naked guy, or very endowed for that matter. So really?
Why the naked guy? I guess cause he was willing to get naked
on camera, so why not? After the movie ended it was off to the
lobby for, of course, more drinks. Upon walking through the
curtains I discovered the arrival of a fabulous chick that I
got to know through the fest, Sam. I recall spending the remaining
hours of the fest this night sitting in Sam's Jeep (which coincidentally
is the EXACT same as my fathers and I recall drunkenly accusing
her of stealing it many times as the night progressed). We rocked
her iPod, which was full of great tracks. Singing Goldfinger
at the top of your lungs while sitting in a warm Jeep on a cold
night with a beer in one hand, a smoke in the other and Sam's
company, what an awesome way to spend the night. Any way, throughout
this time many a person came and went as we sat in the car.
All of which sat in the passenger seat with me on their lap.
Another perk of being a small lady is that people seem to like
to have you sit on their lap any chance they get. At some point,
while seated in the car I leapt out of the car to go say something
to someone or throw something away or something. It was also
at this same time that a gang of teenaged boys happened to be
approaching the theater. I hardly noticed and ran back into
the car. But apparently they approached one Andy Straub and
inquired just what it would cost for some good times with the
cute lady. All I know for sure is that minutes later, Andy Straub
tells me through a crack in the car window, that the boys offered
a mere 50 bucks for me. What exactly Andy told them I would
DO for fifty dollars I don't recall, either way, let me just
say, I am worth WAY more than a mere $50.00. Eventually the
films ended, without me catching more than a minute here or
there while passing by for the bathroom or another grilled cheese.
On this night, I think, was the night I was given the task of
convincing Coach to leave the booth, get in a car, and go. That
sleeping in the theater was not a good idea. That we should
all leave together. Eventually this worked. It was time once
again, for the after party!
Tonight's locale: Johnny Brenda's. Things I recall from the
after party. Well there was arm wrestling, I lost quickly and
effortlessly both times I played. I blame the booze for weakening
the power of my guns. I tried to use the camera. "You're
looking into the LENS e.t. That's why you can't see anything.
Give that to me"-Doug. I yelled at Andy Straub for a while
about not fighting with some lame-ass or something (the first
of many times I was told I was yelling at Andy Straub not to
fight some jerk). I drank many a beer from what seemed to be
a never ending glass. And I'm sure there was more...
FRIDAY: Hmm. So began the first night of the Fest's weekend
lineup. And honestly, I don't think I saw either one of the
movies that were playing at this time. I think I was in the
lobby the whole time drinking and working the table. Or out
smoking. Or hitting the concession stand for more grilled cheese.
Or chatting it up in the booth. Really, I have NO idea. Looking
at the schedule Harry Knuckles played, as well as Die! You Zombie
Bastards, a film I was really excited to see. And yet, I missed
them all. And everything that happened this night, at least
at the theater, is a blur. I DO recall a fabulous visit from
Evan this night, since he gave me a ride to the after party
and I think the was the night that Nick put the "Rape Me"
sign on the back of Doug's jacket. I think this is the night
the DVD player stopped working and I donated mine to the cause.
The rest? Maybe someone can fill me in later...
**The movie was too long. People were bored and wanted to go
drink so the movie was turned off or something. This is what
I heard about Die! You Zombie Bastards!**
The M Room. (Favorite after party. Even though I obviously don't
recall much...) This I DO remember. Dancing with Andy and Yuko
and Hillary to the bands. Drinking fabulously large PBR's. Talking
with Erica. Sammy was there this night too! I recall running
around outside with Yuko and Gena trying to hail her a cab to
get her home, and some how actually finding one rather quickly.
Nick taking Yuko and I to a gas station for what was the BEST
Hot Pocket I have had ever. Jamiee passing me countless pieces
of pita with humus, which makes for an odd drunken snack. And
just the same old same old carrying on that made up the Backseat
after parties. Eventually getting taken home by David Popolow.
SATURDAY: (Favorite night at the Festival) I showed up today
just in time for some shorts, followed by the first feature,
Livlihood. Yet another zombie flick, which of course brought
me great joy. This time the zombies were returning from their
graves, in an attempt to get back to their normal lives. It
was pretty well done, complete with zombie commercials and soap
operas. A nice way to start the day. Next was the first shorts
program. Now I think, looking back, that the shorts were my
favorite parts of the festival. In part because they were very
very entertaining, and because sometimes I have the attention
span of a child. Sitting for 10 minutes and getting just as
much out of the short as I would a feature length film works
really well for me.
Here are some of my personal favorites in no particular order:
Fuck Pillows (cutest pillows with a pussy I have EVER seen!)
Baby Pepper (just a great idea in general)
Bzzzzzz (those kids got theirs)
Kevin Maher Actor (just plain great, all his were, but this
was my fave)
Silly Con 2 (peanut butter and jelly, brilliant!)
Robots are Blue (though they were more Cyborgs than robots,
still adorable and I still look at my cats and imagine them
saying "I love you robot" with every meow.)
Weinercrock vs Crockinator (I hate hot dogs, and yet I ate one
The day itself was pretty mellow, up until just before 9pm when
my darling Jen made her appearance. It was all down here from
there as the shots and beer and excitement all kicked in at
once. We drank and drank and prepared for, Pleasures of the
Damned (Favorite movie at the fest). PERFECT selection for Saturday
night. The film was HILARIOUS. I kept the night going by keeping
the audience on track with the drinking games, a self assigned
duty that I undertook during all the viewings I sat through.
I also did not fail to laugh very loud and very hard at all
that was the awesomeness of Pleasures. Throughout the film I
recall many a time when Mark's girlfriend and I would catch
each other laughing at something random, look over at each other,
and thus laugh even more as a result of us being the only ones
really appreciating just what was going on. By the end of the
film I had laughed my ass off, been given many a glaring glance
by the guy in front of me, who apparently didn't appreciate
my reaction to the film. Fuck you man! And as the lights came
on the the t-shirts were being given away one was promptly handed
to me as a result of my pleasure in watching the film. I quickly
changed my shirt, which luckily I was wearing a tank-top under
my sweater, not like it would have mattered to me at this point
I was gone. Soon the night was done. According to photo evidence,
I was doing an awful lot of kissing this night, before even
leaving the theater. Well, that's what you get.
Wiskey Dix So it was once again time for another after party.
This time in conjunction with the Taste of Chaos tour, it promised
to be an interesting event. Upon arrival we quickly found some
drinks and prepared for, The Legendary Wid. Yeah, he was pretty
fantastic. Buckets and buckets of props, most of which were
never used, were scattered across the stage. I can't recall
any joke in particular. But I recall immense laughter, which
is good enough to meet my approval. This was followed by the
band Shiragirl. They were fun and there was dancing for me and
Jen and Doug. This was around the time that I was told to take
care of Doug. Me. Take care of Doug. He was all over the place,
very drunk and crazy, and little e.t. is the one put in charge
of the beast. Thus the "Sakpack" was born. We fell
into a photobooth at some point. Dollars were quickly inserted
into the machine and a great set of photobooth pics resulted.
We had parts of 6 people's faces in there by the end! So then
after the band some dude was swallowing swords and breathing
fire and stuff. I was running around after Doug at this point.
Kind of all over the place. Lots of picture taking by Jen shows
a lot of people kissing, being drunk, and drinking. At some
point there was music and dancing for e.t., Jen and Hillary.
Eventually it got late, I was the ass that woke Hillary up and
told her we must leave (her words, not mine). And so we did,
somehow in someone's car, and went back to the office for an
after after party. Nick was there when we arrived with some
whiskey which I saw myself drinking in pictures. Also a rastafarian
hat/wig combo was on my head in many of the pics as well. Andy
and Jen were off making out. I think Jen's friend was annoyed
and a bit freaked out by the whole situation. I was off drunk.
I dunno. Eventually they left and it was off to bed. The end
of another fun night.
SUNDAY After walking the "walk of shame" home and
passing out on my couch for a while, I rolled into the theater
sometime in the evening. Missing the first film and most of
the shorts. It had been a rough couple of days. This day was
the final day, and you could tell that we were all feeling the
wrath of the Festival. Just looking at the table of booze when
I walked in made my stomach turn. I took care of that by getting
back in the saddle and quickly consuming many beers and shots.
I don't recall most of the shorts, I was too busy getting drunk
and putting Doug to bed. Since he was in desperate need of staying
away from the rum and being quiet. There was a lot of animation
I think. Some stuff by Popolow, Prim, and Hillary from what
I recall were played this day. There was the AMAZING "Puphedz:
The Tattle-tale Heart". I was very blown away by the quality
of this film and its overall imagery. Seriously, it was amazing.
I recall that the shorts ran a little late and was frustrated
at the people coming in and making a racket during the end of
this film. Which is funny for me, one of the loudest most obnoxious
people in the audience on most nights, to be annoyed by people
being obnoxious. But fuck that. Assholes wouldn't stop talking!
Next came the feature, "De-railroaded" A great movie
for the last night. I hung at the concession stand, drinking
what at this point, was officially the LAST beer at the Fest.
Yup. I'm the asshole who took the last beer from the cooler
and drank it happily knowing it was indeed the last beer. It
was delicious. Eventually the film ended and we all contemplated
skipping the after party and just going to bed. But alas, after
party time it was and so it was off to the Tritone,
Tritone The whole night for the most part was much more laid
back than the others. Maybe cause it was a Sunday, maybe cause
it was all coming to an end, or it could have been the previous
5 nights of heavy drinking finally catching up to us. Hmm. DJ
Steve was spinning some great tunes. The whole place was pretty
empty and quite. Um. There was drinking and dancing with Hillary.
Doug, who had been passed out in Coach's car up to this point,
entered upon the scene. I think we slow danced at the end of
the night. Eventually we left, with Doug once again playing
the part of Sakpack as I drug him down the street to Coach's
truck. We piled in, literally piles of people, three in the
back and four in the front. Off to the office. For one last
after after party. We got back, found the rum and hit up the
most amazing invention of our time, Karaoke On-Demand. AMAZING.
I recall Andy singing "Danny Boy", Coach sang something
or other, Doug sang "Just a Gigolo" and I think there
was more. My mental comprehension of anything that followed
was lost after singing parts of Gigolo. I think I took Doug
to bed. **I launched myself off of one of the couches, for some
purpose I assume, other than to knock the salt over and covering
the green couch with it. Andy Straub was pouring salt and pepper
in my hair.
** At some point I went to bed.... Thus ends my tale of the
Backseat Film Festival. The days that followed were filled with
catching up on sleep and of course, drinking.